first paragraph of my rough draft

[sagesaria]

Writing an English essay; part of the material involved is about my first kiss. I want to know; am I giving TMI with my first paragraph about it, and if so, how could I avoid it and still get the point across?

"I was sixteen, and I was sitting in a hotel lounge in Timonium at two in the morning, with my friends Rowan and Ian. We were talking about the usual subjects; old video games and Japanese anime. Eventually conversation was replaced by silent cuddling, and Ian kissing Rowan, making me feel more than a little uncomfortable. Suddenly Ian turned my head to look at him, and pressed his fuzzy face to mine. I didn’t close my eyes as his tongue went into my mouth, as already my brain was shutting down from the rage of horomones. As he pulled away, I could only mutter an impressed “damn!” and wipe saliva from my lips. An hour later my brain snapped out of it enough to tell me that I was too uncomfortable to stay in the room. At least I waited until I was out of their site to panic and dash to the elevator in confused tears."

Comments

[drone-dragon.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I think it's fine writing. But for an English essay depending on yer audience personality, it may be TMI... especially the saliva part. But sweet writing, very engaging!

[sagesaria.livejournal.com]

Yeah, probably. Though the idea of grossing out the teacher is kind of amusing. But...na, I like him :P

Is that the worst one? 'cause I can probably work around it :)

[nosebeepbear.livejournal.com]

LALALA! I can't read this! ;)

[drone-dragon.livejournal.com]

Well the setting is also a little random, like how you got in the situation in the first place. Without an explaination is does seem a little... well naughty/dirty/unusual.

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Nice, but i think you meant ...out of their sight...

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

That icon very much pleases me.

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Though, the creases go the wrong way for someone to be pounding on it from behind.

[suecochran.livejournal.com]

The guy on the right is pounding on it from in front, thus the creases. I think he is supposed to be trying to get off the page/break through the paper.

[suecochran.livejournal.com]

Funny, I usually pick up on typos like this, but I read it as if it were correct. Maybe because I have no glasses on and it's in the wee hours?

[suecochran.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what to tell you - which exact point do you want the first paragraph to get across?