....

Jul. 6th, 2005 10:39 pm
sagesaria: (When all the world turns away)
I found Corey.

She has a new LJ name.

And apparently her life has been a living hell since she got too busy to eat with us.

I'm scared.

I've known Corey for more than 2 years now...I know her and love her like a sister...she's the best fellow High School student anyone can have. But sometimes, since she's stopped coming to visit, I get pessimistic and paranoid. I think of all the times I've tried to see her; Ms. Hardinge's bbq, our parties, Whitney's party...every time. She's too busy. I caught her on AIM once, and she logged off after three lines of conversation. This could all be coincidence. It probably even *is* all just a coincidence. But....I keep feeling like she's avoiding me.

I am 99.9% certain she is not. She emailed me and told me she's not. She signed my yearbook. She even said hi to me in those two seconds we passed each other in the hall. But I just want to see her again in person. Have an actual face-to-face conversation with her. Then I can be absolutely sure. According to her last email, it's not gonna happen this summer. But I hope...I hope hope hope HOPE...that I can see her when we go back to school.

Corey-chan...if you're reading this...I'm sorry that I'm doubting you. I know I shouldn't. I hope to see you in August (Heather's party?), and be prepared to be attacked with a birthday present I've been planning to buy you since last year.
sagesaria: (Whaaa....sad Saria-chan...)
I want a normal life again.
I want to go back to school.
I want whatever the hell is plaguing my body to go away and stop driving knives through every part of my throat.
I want to stop coughing until my throat is raw.
I want my eye to stop turning red.
I want my nose to stop clogging and drying up.
I want to know what the fuck is wrong with me.
I want a cure before the pain drives me to insanity.
I want to live again!!!

Gods, I'm so upset that mom's music is making me cry more than the first time I ever heard this song.
sagesaria: (Increased ooginess)
I can't go to Eve's seder tomorrow :(

I'm feeling sick enough that I'd probably be absolutely miserable if I went. And apparently Mom's getting sick too, so there's some concern about being contagious.

I'm sorry, Eve :(

Tomorrow's gaming. Mom said I should probably spend most of it in my room. Drat. I was hoping to do some more Final Fantasy 9, now that David's gotten me so addicted to it.

Oh well.

I should go to bed. I feel like crap. Rearrange those two phrases as needed, because right now, frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn.

Explanation

Mar. 1st, 2005 08:23 pm
sagesaria: (Blah....tired Saria-chan...)
Thanks to Mom, Tilly and Ekaiyu for replying to my post last night. I'm feeling much better and ready to talk.

Since about a week before Katsucon, I was really depressed. Really depressed. Before the con, it was just "I want it to be summer...*whine*" depressed, but after the con it became "Kleenex and chocolate! NOW!" depressed. In the mornings I was fine, but after lunch, I crashed emotionally, once to the point of actually crying during sixth period.

[livejournal.com profile] maugorn thinks that it might be post-con depression because I didn't really make any new friends or talk to many people (except [livejournal.com profile] cellophanefuji, but I only saw her briefly). But here's what *I* think it is, since I had time to think over the weekend;

[livejournal.com profile] coreybear has been really busy since the beginning of the semester, and has only been upstairs with me and Heather once or twice this semester. We've kept trying to get her to come up soon, but things have always been getting in the way.

This lack of Corey's presence has affected me in two ways;

1. I've been alone with Heather practically every day, which is more stressful than school itself.
2. I've been starting to really really REALLY miss Corey, and the paranoid, pessimistic side of my brain was starting to think that she was avoiding us.

So after figuring this out, I sent an email to Corey telling her this. Thus the crying. Actually I was crying before hand because I was thinking about why I was depressed. But still....

This morning I got a reply; she's not avoiding us (that's the FIRST thing she said in her reply. Smart Corey!) and she's gonna try to come up to visit tomorrow morning or on Thursday.

So I'm feeling much better now. Thanks again everyone! *huggz*
sagesaria: (Whaaa....sad Saria-chan...)
The good:
-actually being able to to work in Food Trends. And by work, I mean I actually got to cut some vegetables!
-walking in the pretty snow
-kitten break picture: http://www.kittenbreak.com/index.php?ID=612

The bad:
-realizing too late that I had to sign up with a partner for the morning announcements. I hardly know anyone in my grade! That's really discouraging. Waaah!
-spending half of lunch crying
-being dizzy all morning
-being clumsy and sleepy all afternoon
-chances of going to Katsucon for my birthday are veeeeeeeery slim. (not blaming anyone for that. Just pointing out that it's a blech thing)

The ugly:
-having to deal with Heather while I was upset. She always says "Sorry, I'm not very good at sympathizing."

Ok, first of all, DON'T SAY THAT!!! That makes me feel worse!

Second of all, I don't expect you to know every single detail of how I feel. I just want someone to listen (and make it clear that they're listening!!!! Heather, when someone's talking to you, the book gets put AWAY!!!) and give me hugs. You're good at the hugging part.

Lastly, at least try?!? Don't sit there and read a book while I'm ranting and then say "Sorry, I'm not good at sympathizing." I'm not very good at socializing! But I still try, right?
sagesaria: (Whaaa....sad Saria-chan...)
SS Supernova got canceled! Waaaaaah!

I knew it was a possibility, after how flippant and tardy people were to rehearsals, but I had my heart set on it!!

And while...

-A David and Whitney group hug,
-Seeing Jackie from my friends in Freshman year again (she saw me crying and asked if I was ok),
-Ms. Wiggins in a good mood compared to last year, and
-A possibility of a really cool group in Food Trends who will share the damn work

did cheer me up, I feel really upset and annoyed that Lisa had to cancel the play.

Why couldn't those people just get their shit together?!? Why audition for the play at all unless you're going to work?!?!?!?!?!
sagesaria: (Whaaa....sad Saria-chan...)
My Fairy statue fell and broke her arm and finger! Of ALL the other pieces that fell of the shelf, it HAD to be my Fairy statue that was wounded! WAAAAAAAAH!!!! Forgive me Fairies, I've been so careful! I didn't mean it! WAAAAAAAH!!!!

BLUE MEANIIIIIIEEES!

Dad, are you feeling well enough to fix her?
sagesaria: (I'm a big girl now!)
Today was Wacky Day, so I got to wear my Micky Mouse ears from Disney World. I swear, I crack people up with those things every year!

We were in the library today in Cwr. We had to pick out books to read to help with our projects. I couldn't find any "For Dummies" books, so instead I went in search of fantasy romances. I found a bunch, but only ended up picking two.

I was late to check out, so I barely made it to volleyball on time, which I think was part of what triggered one of the worst emotional breakdowns in my life.

I was really out of it through the whole game. I don't know why. I just couldn't focus. Through the whole game, I was making stupid mistakes that I normally don't make. I was really embarrassed. I was so shaken that I fell apart with every single negative thought; these people cannot focus at all, I hate the substitute, two people in the class hate me and I don't know why, I've been screwing up all day and I'll bet my team was mad about it, I miss my first VB class etc etc etc....

I couldn't take it anymore. I sat in a corner and cried the rest of the period and halfway through lunch.

I hate falling apart like that. It felt like it was for absolutely no reason. I'm bursting into tears again at the thought of how horrible it felt.

Stupid Dementors.

But I felt better after some Heather Hugs (tm) and a conversation about dogs.

I got to the job fair. It was pretty much a briefing about how things worked around there, and an important announcement; right after Thanksgiving through December, applicants MUST BE AVAILABLE. Which means that I'd have to skip Darkover. Mom had the idea of spending a few hours up there when I'm not gonna be working, but I don't know how that'll work yet. Either way, it won't be the Darkover experience, you know?

Timing is everything :P

*Sigh*

Oct. 5th, 2003 09:03 pm
sagesaria: (Default)
Well, yesterday was the Homecoming dance, which I would have gone to with Jeremy, but Mom didn't want me to go yet, because she hasn't met Jeremy.

I felt really bad telling him I couldn't go. He was crushed! :(

Maybe he can come over for dinner sometime.
sagesaria: (Default)
I just finished my last EQ run of the month. If I'm good, which I'll try to be, next month I'll be allowed to start playing again. But I'll still need to do the whole homework bedtime school thing. So before I logged off I said goodbye to everyone who was there and who was willing to lend an ear--er--eye--er....

well anyway, it's gonna kinda suck not being able to play. I didn't even get to give Syngo and Jessimica the news because they haven't been on in ages! Waaah!

*sigh* Tomorrow I go back to school. At least it'll give me things to post here.
sagesaria: (Default)
*sigh* School starts tomorrow. Summer went by waaaaaay too fast. Somehow I feel really unaccomplished. I keep getting this feeling that there was something else I wanted to do before summer was out, but I can't put my finger on it.

So here I am, spending my last day of freedom sitting in front of the computer, cleaning out my E-mail inbox and listening to music like a lazy slob. I'm so pathetic.
sagesaria: (Default)
In a little more that 52 hours and 15 minutes, I will be going back to school and will be a Sophomore. Slightly caffeinated and on a teensy bit of an adrenaline rush, I have spent the last half hour sharpening pencils, planning which supplies I should bring on the first day, frantically searching for a small book to bring, rearranging my purse, doing laundry, and looking for cute little magnets that I can stick on the inside of my locker. I guess you could call it the hyperactivity-induced back-to-school jitters.

It was kinda strange; I was looking through all my stuff; old folders of Spanish homework, my student ID card, new folders and binders, everything, and I got this sense of a new start that I got last year. The smell of newly bought school supplies makes me feel that way. Seriously! I love the smell of fresh plastic that a new binder or backpack gives off.

As I was sitting among my old and new school supplies, I kept having these flitting flashbacks of my first days of Freshman year; the first time I had ever set foot in a public school to learn. I remember everything; the feeling of excitement and nervousness, everything seeming so new and alien, the first time I saw Donn Mulderink in Theatre class, the instant knowledge of how much I was going to love my History teacher, and even the things I didn't want to remember, like how I had to go around the school on crutches, getting lost in the halls for ten minutes before I finally found the classroom, and the way I slipped into the wrong crowd.

I loved all (well, almost all) of the group that I ate lunch with, but soon it got out of hand with their constant pressure to do things that I didn't want to and pushing of subjects I had said to drop.

The only good things I can see about it is that they had some good advice for a Freshman like myself, and because I sang for them so much, they introduced me to the talent contest Puttin' on the Hits.

Puttin' on the Hits was my proudest moment that year. A standing ovation before my song was even finished, an article in the school newspaper, and the yearbook referred to me as a favorite performer. *sigh* Sometimes I feel like that was the best day of my life.

I remember everything perfectly, and yet it seems like it was years ago. It's strange, but that's how I feel.

Ok, my late night angsty babble is over now. I'm gonna try to get some sleep now.
sagesaria: (Default)
We had a party this weekend. It's still running right now,but a lot of people have already left. Damien, Orenda and Corey, namely. Several others too. I had way too much fun! Why'd they have to leave already?

Heather's still here, but she's playing a game with Marc.
sagesaria: (Default)
Rowan's coming back from Europe in two weeks. I feel like she's been gone forever. It's so dull getting up in the morning and checking my e-mail with no message from my best friend talking about whatever. *sigh* She'll be back in two weeks....

Meanwhile, I found this new chatroom called Gatewayoracle. It's a chatroom where you can role play. And you can hold lots of different characters. I've got about nine characters already.

My sleep schedule's been totally messed up. I just can't find the motivation to go to sleep at ten anymore. I'm always wide awake knowing that I don't have school. Well, I'll try to get back to a regular pace so I'll be ready when summer's over.

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